Through The Fire
It was early morning, just three days after Christmas. I awaken suddenly, startled. My heart is pounding like I just sprinted 40 yards, though I had been sleeping for a couple hours. As I spring to my feet and pace the house, I begin praying for comfort. The battle is real.
After a few paces in prayer, I feel I'm not able to catch my breath. I desperately open the front door and step out to inhale some fresh, crisp winter air. Initially it helps, but just like a tickle in the nose before a sneeze, so too comes the uncontrollable feeling of impending doom. As I cry out to God, my body starts trembling. After a few hours of trembling, my wife and I decide to go to Riverside Hospital, to ensure I'm not having a heart issue (heart attack).
I was blessed to connect with a Christian ER doctor who checked my vitals, reviewed my symptoms, and spoke some encouragement to me. After some medication and a few hours rest, I was released to go home. As much as I was hoping this was going to be a one-off event, the coming weeks/months proved otherwise. I soon learned this was a fire God wasn't putting out (at least immediately)- but a fire He would carry me through. For those of you who have been fortunate enough to never experience anxiety or panic attacks, I'm not sure I can put to words the turmoil it can generate, especially from a Christian perspective.
As a preface, I previously had bouts of anxiety and panic at the beginning of 2013. At that time, I was a Youth Director for a church. When news broke I was having anxiety struggles, I remember our grief counselor bringing me a print-out of scriptures that pertained to anxiety. I know the counselor had the best intentions and his motives were pure, but I received it as a lack of faith on my part. That same mentality carried with me to my current struggle.
The internal thoughts kept coming: you're weak, you lack faith, you brought this on yourself, you're a bad example. I'm not sure about you, but the first thing I do when I'm in trouble, is pray. To be clear, I believe that living in sin can cause serious consequences, so my first priority was making sure there was no sin hindering this battle. I simply asked God to forgive me and cleanse me of all known and unknown sin (1 John 1:9). During the first week of the battle, I began to process that the panic was not brought on by myself, as I read the truth in the book of James - Christians are guaranteed to face trials and tribulations!
As another "day of fire" passes, my girls lay silently asleep in our bedroom, while I get away in prayer, alone with God. In tears, I repeatedly whisper to God, "I just want a hug." Those of you who've been in the struggle may relate. You can feel so weary, defeated, and nearly void of hope, in the thick of the battle. But, as C.S. Lewis so aptly stated:
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains."
In my experience, this rings so true, and my current struggle was no different. My prayer time had significantly increased, as my relationship with Jesus grew to a new level. I noticed through the course of this tribulation, my daily prayers became less about me and my struggle, and more about other people God dropped on my heart to pray over. God was allowing me to trust Him, despite not immediately removing the thorn in my flesh. One thing the enemy tried to discourage me with, I used as recourse - for the glory of God. I am weak, but when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 for full context).
In addition to walking closer with God through prayer and reading His word, I can't stress enough how a timely word of truth can offer such an encouragement. I'll never forget one relevating moment. A family member swung by for a visit, and relayed what a prayer warrior in their church shared with them regarding my struggle:
"The devil is coming after Anthony, but God says he is Mine."
That may not sound monumental to you, but in that moment, I felt God was speaking directly to me - the person was simply a vessel to deliver God's truth. So I challenge you, if you have someone in mind today, share your word of encouragement - it may go much further than you could ever anticipate.
In closing, pride wanted to keep my struggle concealed, but I share this openly for two reasons: 1) lift high the name of Jesus by boasting in my weakness and 2) offer encouragement to those currently walking through a fire. I sincerely hope and pray whatever you're currently going through, know that God loves you and cares so immensely. He desires to carry your burden so you don't have to. Give it to Him - He's everything you need.
